Monday, December 04, 2006


On today’s episode of Jackass, Gwyneth Paltrow earns her stripes as the latest spoiled American celebrity twit to put her foot right into her mouth.

Gwyneth Paltrow is an accomplished actress. Her husband Chris Martin is an amazing musician. They named their first child Apple. Whatever. I think that’s a pretty stupid name, but it’s not my style to criticise a personal choice of people I don’t even know. Neither am I a celebrity worshipper, but I have always had some kind of respect for Gwyneth Paltrow.

Until today, when I read excerpts from an interview Gwyneth Paltrow did with a Portuguese newspaper. Some of the quotes may have been taken out of context – I know that can happen – but it still seems that she talked absolute shite. Let’s take a look at some of Gwynnie’s remarks.

Gwyneth said:

I love the English lifestyle, it’s not as capitalistic as America.

Max responds:

What are you, a fucking socialist? Is your problem capitalism, or did you actually mean to criticise our consumerism? Either way, you are an ignorant twat. Do you ever go down to Oxford Street at the weekend? Do you have any idea how much debt the average Brit has? Do you have any idea why? Yes, Gwynnie, that would be capitalism and consumerism – no less amongst your beloved limeys than amongst your reviled compatriots back home.

Gwyneth said:

People don’t talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner.

People talk about interesting and mundane things everywhere. If you are at a dinner and the conversation is dull, perhaps you should look at what you are contributing to it instead of making sweeping - and stupid - generalisations.

Gwyneth said:

I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology.

Max responds:

I won’t even pretend to know what you mean by “the bad side of American psychology.” I never shot up my high school either.

Gwyneth said:

The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans.

Max responds:

You really are an idiot, aren’t you? Generalisations are dangerous, blondie. Civilized? You have obviously never been out in Nottingham on a Saturday night. It gets pretty rough. You have, however, proved your point about intelligence. Thanks for setting a great example for all of us.

On the subject of Madonna (the pop star, not the mother of God), Gwyneth said:

She's like an older sister. Everything I have gone through, she went through ten times worse and ten times longer. She gives me good advice about how to say no and take care of myself.

Max responds:

Guess what, Gwynnie? The limeys don’t like Madonna either. They just ignore her and hope that she’ll eventually fuck off back to New Jersey.

Anyway, I know you are being slammed all over the press and all over the internet for your stupid comments. Good. Maybe you’ll learn something from all of this, for example that spoiled, over-privileged, conceited egoists that think they are better than the rest of us should keep their fucking little mouths shut. I suggest you lie low and avoid doing any interviews for a while. Or have your larynx removed.


Anonymous said...

*throwing roses at your feet*

10 out of 10.

Bonus points for the graphic - I can't stop giggling.

Anonymous A-Hole said...

Perhaps the funniest, and most ironic, part is that she is a university drop-out. I actually went to college with Ms. Paltrow (no, I don't remember her, we had 20,000 students at UCSB). Despite being accepted by an admissions board eager to make a large contributor (Michael Douglas) happy, Ms. Paltrow couldn't seem to find anything worthwhile at UCSB and dropped out after one year. She is the quintessential spoiled, rich, un-educated American. I think she should just keep her pucker shut and try not remind people that she's so stupid. What's that line from Mark Twain? "It's better to remain silent and let people assume you're stupid than to open your mouth and confirm it" (okay, I'm paraphrasing).

Monkey's Max said...

Why thank you, Miss Mickey. I enjoyed writing this post, although it was frustrating as I kept getting interrupted by work. I hate that.

Nice Mark Twain reference, Asshole. Perhaps it should be included in the handbook in the Screen Actors Guild membership packet.

Anonymous said...

Max I love your comments! Thanks for the chuckle.