Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Assholes with Umbrellas

Umbrellas are stupid. Why would you want to have to hold something bulky and awkward above your head when you can just wear a hood or a hat to protect yourself from the elements while keeping your hands free?

Today was the first rainy day of the year – at least the first rainy day during which I have ventured out. It has been raining steadily but lightly all day – hardly an umbrella-worthy deluge. But following are three examples of things that occurred today that illustrate what jerks people are when they are armed with umbrellas.

This morning at the tram stop, a young woman was walking with an umbrella in one hand and pulling a suitcase with the other. She was about my height, and shorter people need to be extra careful with umbrellas. But she was not paying attention and had I not pulled my head out of the way at the last second, I might have had an eye poked out by one of the spokes of her weapon. Why did she not know enough to hold the umbrella higher as she walked by me?

Walking into a building during my lunch break, a woman folded her umbrella down and then started to shake the water off it, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she was spraying water on the people closest to her.

This evening, on the tram on my way home, a man got on with a closed umbrella (it was no longer raining), and as he turned nearly stabbed me in the leg with it. Why did he not realise that one must hold one’s umbrella straight up and down rather than nearly horizontally whilst in a crowded space?

This is one of my pet peeves – that so many people, when brandishing umbrellas, become fucking retards.


Anonymous A-Hole said...

Here in rainy Oregon we like to ask, "how do you spot a Californian?" The answer, of course, is that they're the ones with the umbrellas.

People carry and use umbrellas because they think they should, not because they need them.

Riggs is Crazy said...

Those of us wearing business attire really don't want to have soaking clothing all day. Umbrellas are a necessity.

If you want to talk about umbrella etiquette, then I'll probably have your back.

Anonymous A-Hole said...

With an amazing choice in waterproof textiles available, the overcoat is more effective than ever. Just admit it, it comes down to vanity and your hairdo.

Anonymous said...

who wants to wear an overcoat when it is 80 degrees outside? Umbrellas are the way to go. Especially if you see a hot chick that has nothing and you give her cover. It's money.

Anonymous A-Hole said...

I had assumed that, if it were raining, it wouldn't be 80 degrees. But I admittedly hadn't thought of the hot chick angle. However, along those lines, an oversized overcoat would provide good cover for a hot chick and nobody would know what she was doing under there!

Monkey's Max said...

Riggs, I will agree with you that at times umbrellas are useful, perhaps even necessary. But people that do not observe proper umbrella etiquette deserve to have their umbrellas grabbed out of their hands and shoved up their asses. And I think you will agree with me there.

Anonymous said...

I have lost of forgotten so many umbrella's in and around Prague. They are a pain to carry around. Mine break because I end up wrestling them in the windy rain in the middle of a crosswalk, alomost being hit by cars and poking my bloody eye out. It's hard to focus on not injuring yourself with one let alone innocent bystanders around me. I prefer the old fashion trenchcoat and hat most of the time. I don't worry about rain in the summer cause it's warm out. I can't stand a rainy cold day.
If I am going out to a do and I am dressed up I just cab it and make sure the driver stops right in front of where I need to be.
People in Montreal pull out umbrellas during a bloody snowstorm. I am with you MAx. I hate umbrella's. They are useless.