Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Why I never feel guilty when I shag a married man

I just had an e-mail from a friend in Edinburgh, to whom I happened to have been engaged at one time. Since I left Scotland in 1990, I have seen him only twice, once in 1999 and once in 2004. We had planned to meet again in March of this year, but Hamish came down with the flu so we cancelled.

Of course Hamish is not his real name, but it’s just so over-the-top Scottish that it makes me laugh.

Hamish and I both got married in 1995. When we had our first tryst in 1999, I had already filed for divorce and he was still married. When we had our second tryst 5 years later, I was single and he was still married. After we cancelled our March meeting, we agreed that we should not see each other again. I had lost interest, frankly, and Hamish said he had been feeling guilty.

Today I e-mailed Hamish to tell him about Jarda’s death and we subsequently exchanged a couple of e-mails. In Hamish’s last e-mail he told me how happy he was with his wife, how he loved her to bits, and that he was seeing someone regularly for sex on the side.

My conclusion: if a man is going to cheat, he is going to cheat - if not with me, then with someone else. If I do not even know the wife or the girlfriend involved, there is absolutely no reason for me to feel guilty. If I betray a relationship of my own, I am at fault, but I am never responsible for someone else’s betrayal of his relationship.

23 comments:

AG said...

I agree! A player is a player, whether at 35 or 55. It's not your responsibility, or your guilt. I think it's ok to play with a player if you're single. But don't get emotionally involved with him.

What I don't understand is the single women who only FALL IN LOVE with a man who is already married and a proven player. And then make their friends crazy when the married man does not leave his wife for them.

I know a woman who has a long history of that. She used to work at the Prague Post, fell in love two who worked at the American Embassy, then with a man we both know. I think she has an unresolved issue with her parents, trying to take daddy's affection away from mommy.

Charlie Parlay said...

What about respect for others? Just because you don't know someone, you don't think you should have respect for them? Let's say the married guy you shag comes down with an overwhelming sense of grief and admits his fling to his wife. She, in turn, leaves him, takes the kids and they grow up without monny and daddy in a happy home. You're going to say it wasn't a happy home to begin with and thus, you're not responsible. Maybe it's just me, but I'd feel guilty for that. I just happen to believe in having good judgement as well as the self-control to not giving in to every drunken urge I get. Your justification sucks!

Sinister Steve said...

If it feels good do it. Good motto to live by. Sooner or later it is gonna feel good for that guy's wife to put a bullet in your noggin.

Max said...

Charlie Parlay, how about if that married man takes responsibility for his own actions and doesn't shag me in the first place?

Sinister Steve said...

Should his 6 year old daughter who has a tear in her eye take responsibility for daddy and mommy not living together anymore. Im sure she will be happy in her new apartment

Max said...

SS, how many times do I need to repeat myself? A married man should take responsibility for his own actions. A married man should not be cheating on his wife. I am not married, or otherwise involved with anyone, therefore I can do what I want with any other consenting adult. It is not my job to make sure married men don't cheat on their wives. Which part of that is hard for you to understand?

Riggs is Crazy said...

I really want to comment on this but I just can't come up with the words to clearly decipher the hypocrisy.

As an aside, I'm sorry for your loss Max.

Max said...

Thanks, Riggs. I do appreciate that.

Now, why do you think I am being hypocritical? Don't hold back, Riggs, I can take it.

Charlie Parlay said...

mm,
i agree with you in that men should take responsibility for their actions. it's clear to me that any man is fair game to you. i hunt by a different set of rules. if she's married, she's off limits.

Tits Malone said...

Let's not confuse sex with love...I would be more upset with someone having an intellectual and emotional relationship with my partner...

Crap Like A Wizard said...

tits...good point. A dude 'getting it on the side' is really just beating off and using a human being to do it.

He's tried his hand, he's tried a sock, he's tried the cat...he's just moving on down the chain.

Wiz said...

also...this leads to a syndrome called PGD or 'POST GOO DEPRESSION'

PGD is when you (as a dude) are all into it, all fired up right until the 'Throat Milk' (using Skeeter's term) files free. At that moment PDG hits like a truck and you can't wait to be as far away from the situation as possible..

Note - this is not limited to dudes getting it on the side. Dudes that engage in another phenom called 'go big early' also get PGD

Skeeter said...

I had an affair with a married woman (she was seperated at the time) and it continued for a couple of months. A bunch of different things happened that stopped it for a while, the biggest of which was her husband finding out she was having an affair. I had to change phone numbers and fly under the radar for a while.

If you don't feel guilty, that's OK, but there is a lot more to having affairs with married people than some moral obligations, real or imagined. Think of yourself! If he/she is cheating with you, what makes you think they're not cheating with someone else, because they said so? How trustworthy is that person? Therefore, you should consider yourself exposed to contracting a STD.
Even if you're the only person he/she's cheating with, how can you possibly know what the spouse is going to do to YOU if they find out?
Harassment? Public Humiliation? How about informing your employer they have an adulterer working for them? How do you think your boss would take that? Vandalism? Assault? Murder?

There's just too much stuff that can happen to you and most of it is bad.

My advice is walk away. There's plenty of fish in the sea ladies and gentlemen...

Max said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Max said...

Skeeter

Good advice. Luckily I have never been in that situation. I don't have actual affairs with married men (or women). I have, however, had to help pick up the pieces when a friend's heart was broken by a married man. And, oddly enough, as SS mentioned as a possibility, I did know a man who was murdered along with his girlfriend by his girlfriend's husband.

The only point I really wanted to make was that if I have sex with a married man:
1. He is committing adultery;
2. I am not.

Max said...

And Charlie Parlay

What makes you think I hunt by a different set of rules than you do? You all make too many assumptions. I do not knowingly on purpose go after married men. Oddly enough, his marital status is not necessarily the first thing a man brings up in conversation.

And, as hard as you may find this to believe, I am not always the huntress. Every once in a while, a man actually approaches me.

Monkey said...

'Huntress'? Nexistuje.

Max said...

Monkey - 'huntress' existuje; from my dictionary:
especially in mythology, a woman or goddess that hunts.
Right on all counts.

Monkey said...

Right, esp in mythology. But we're talking about real life, you know 'the life', not some made-up fantasy world with made-up words and people. Sheesh.

Charlie Parlay said...

MM,
Didn't mean to slight you or insinuate you are not a smoking, hot babe that men want to bed. In fact, I'm sure you're hottie!
Cheers!

Tits Malone said...

Charlie P. trust me MM is one smokin' hot, juicy, intelligent fun and cheeky monkey...

Celinka said...

Women always seem to want what they can't have. MM you have no reason to feel guilty because after all you aren't the one who made marriage vowes promising to be loyal and to love in sickness and in health...blah blah. If you only considered him to shag then fine but if you are in love with him you are fucked. Men never leave their wives and when they do it's too late.
MM just enjoy the attention and go into any future extra marital affair as a fun time otherwise your heart will only suffer and the whole scenario will complicate your life. That is my advice take it or leave it. It worked for me.
Can I tell you how fucking frustrating it is to be a taken/married man magnet? It's not that MM or at least myself go for married or taken men it just kind of happens that I am out and I meet a certain hottie who is nice and cool and find myself extrememly attracted to him and then find out he is taken. Funny who those taken men never stop talking to me or let alone tempting me. When a bunch of hot married or guys with GF's let me nibble on them and tell me that I don't need make up and my eyes and hands are my best features? Let me tell me you how hard it is to behave! I usually back off a bit and tell them "if things dont' work out with your GF, my friend over there has my number ciao!"
Boys, if you are taken don't fuck with me or MM, because just for fun I'll wind you up so you'll never know the name of the whirlwind that hit you!
MM, I had flashes of evil and the power I knew I had but never used it almost came over me this past weekend. It would of been too easy to ruffle up a relationship, I prefer a good challenge anyway. I have self control! I am not a homewrecker! But damn it's tempting when they guys are taller than me..finally! No more short angry men..ahhhh.Girls I wish I could sit and tell you all about my time in guy paradise (NYC, LA, Irish and OMG I met a hottie who is quebecois....and sooo taken FUCK!) over a cocktail on the side of the Vltava.
kisses

Celinka said...

Piece of advice for taken or married men: DO not I repeat DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE OR GF ABOUT YOUR INFIDELTIEs. Let's be real here...if you admit to your sexcapades it's not to be honest with your significant other, it's because you are tired of carrying around that damn guilt.