Guest blog: "Daryl" answers the Canadian's questions about guns

First of all, I had never been to the comments section of a blog until today (at your request). Secondly, I wouldn't post anything in the comments section of a blog (not even your wonderful blog), my own blog doesn't even contain a comments section. You want to comment? Start your own blog. Thirdly, the plural of American is Americans, not "American's."

All of that being said, I suppose I've been baited. But my response is no doubt more worthy of a front page post than any sarcastic drivel that might be drummed up on nothing more than ignorant assumptions and generalizations.

I'd like to clear up this gun issue once and for all:

I carry a gun because I have an exceptionally small penis and the gun, in my subconscious and elsewhere, helps compensate for that fact. I carry a gun because I'm frightfully scared of the dark, of bogey men, of lightning, of my own shadow, and of anything that moves under its own power or some mystic power that I'm not able to fully understand due to my undying faith in God's dominion. I carry a gun because I'm wholly impotent and the gun reminds me of a hard penis. I carry a gun because my mother didn't breast feed me. I carry a gun because I have violent and delusional tendencies, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and virtually every sexually transmitted disease known to man. Syphilis can make a man think all manner of strange thoughts. And it can make strange monsters appear in the closet. Properly armed I am able to vanquish these beasts, unarmed I would be entirely prone to their wrath. I carry a gun because I'm a snake-charming hillbilly with no more interest in the world than killing me some communists, terrorists, hippies, democrats, and innocent school children.

Oh, wait, no, those are the reasons for which I carry a gun...according to those whose pre-conceived notions of guns and America fit neatly into their banana hammocks (in case you're wondering, that's an American name for those absolutely ridiculous swim suits you men insist on wearing. My god, cover up some, nobody wants to see that unkempt afro between your legs!).

Actually, I carry a gun because I'm a Jew living in rural Oregon, among other things. I carry a gun because I handle large amounts of cash during certain times of the year. I carry a gun because I live in one of America's methamphetamine capitals (tweakers are unpredictable). I carry a gun because the last thing that I want to do is finish some poor deer off with a golf club, hammer, or whatever other blunt instrument I might have in my car (they don't often die immediately when hit on the highway). I carry a gun because areas that I walk, hike, fish, and sleep aren't always safe (because of cougars, bears, or even gang-rapists (which has happened on more than one occasion in Oregon campgrounds)). I carry a gun because I've been chased by the KKK in this state for doing nothing more than stopping to photograph anti-Israel and anti-Jewish propaganda. I carry a gun because the world and its people are unpredictable. I carry a gun because even the mightiest nations in human history have fallen, (and if you listen to some, mine's falling as I write). I carry a gun because, in rural areas, police protection is farcical. I carry a gun because my business has been vandalized with swastikas and human feces. Most importantly, I carry a gun because it's a right afforded me in the United States Constitution, a right so vital to the founding fathers that they protected it, in the Bill of Rights, well enough that, despite no shortage of domestic or international pressure to change it, it exists unchanged to this day.

I carry a gun because I'm a citizen. You don't carry a gun because you're a subject. It's that simple. It really is. Gun laws around the world are a reflection of the lack of trust of governments in their people. The less stable a political system, the more laws regarding guns are passed and the more extreme penalties for gun possession become (and, ironically, the more guns become vital to either overthrow or stabilization). Governments ABSOLUTELY FEAR an armed citizenry. The United States staked its ground on an armed revolt. That spirit doesn't die in only two hundred fifty years, and it can't be squelched by the rote statistics or the inane logic of those who'd prefer that people like me be properly subjugated. With straight faces, these people fear for the safety of my children, simply because I own guns.

My kid is safe, I assure you, I see to it as his father. It's kind of my job. I assure you that you will do more damage to children by smoking in their presence than I will ever do to my child by owning a gun.

It seems odd to me that the "educated" of the world, the "nuanced," the "progressive thinkers" seem to concur on matters involving guns. Is it that their intelligence and righteousness know no bounds, or is it because they think exactly as they're expected to? Have they, in fact, ever given the subject anything more than cursory (read predictable) attention?

The "Canadian" is certainly wrong about one thing, at least as it pertains to America. Time and again, with the LONE exception of one defendant in one case decided by one court (which is currently under appeal), in every state in this country, lethal defense of one's domicile (rights that extend, in most U.S. states, to a car in which one is sleeping) has been upheld by every level of court. It is unadulterated gibberish to claim anything different. To refer to ONE SINGLE CASE is disingenuous at best, hyperbole at least.

But the "Canadian" is right about one thing, it's highly unlikely that I'll have to use my weapon in my own defense. In the United States, the percentage of "hot" burglaries (defined as burglaries in which the residents are in the home) is roughly 18% (a certain portion of that percentage must be homes in which it wasn't expected that the residents would be inside). In the UK, for example, the percentage of "hot" burglaries is nearly double that figure. What one single variable do you suppose accounts for that discrepancy? It's certainly not a fear of the grape smuggler (please see banana hammock).

My right to own guns serves a two-fold purpose. First, it's the final defense against tyranny. Don't believe me? Check here for a more eloquent explanation: http://www.law.ou.edu/hist/federalist/ (federalist papers, numbers 41 and 43 to be exact, by James Madison, writing, of course, as "Publius"). Secondly, it prevents foreign armies from invading America. Think of your worst image of Americans with guns. Now, apply that image to the perspective of a foreign soldier preparing to invade. Exactly, nobody's coming. Individual ownership, by itself, is an international deterrent against invasion. Aside from an extremely erroneous decision by a lone Japanese submariner, the U.S. mainland has never been attacked, even before America had established its power in the world. Why is that? Individual gun ownership is certainly one component.

But, really, what is it about guns themselves that scare people? Who is more scared, me of a bogey man, or the "Canadian" of a gun? And what's a more realistic description of humanity, 10,000 years of brutality, or 60 years of moderate civility?

Because, let's remember, had the citizens of Europe, independently, risen up in arms against Hitler or Mussolini, well, history books would certainly contain very different chapters. Oh, but that was so long ago (yeah, right, eons and eons, huh?)...

The fact is that the world is filled with two distinct personality types: aggressive and passive-aggressive (yes, only two; show me a passive person and I'll show you a dead person or an institutionalized person). Guns make the passive-aggressives uncomfortable because there's no pretending that they're anything but the obvious; namely, the weapons that even they'd use if things truly went sour.

So stuff your common-denominator opinions of America and its guns right into your sausage sack (see grape smuggler), and in the process recognize that I'm no more ignorant than you solely on the basis of my gun ownership, citizenry, or even, gasp, my political choices.

If we wanted to be more like Europe, well, we NEVER WOULD HAVE REVOLTED in the first place.

One last thing about Canadians: What is it with the black socks and shorts? Is the black sock/short combination some kind of national movement? I tell you, you can take the Canadian out of the mullet, but you can't really take the mullet out of the Canadian. And they say "American's" lack style!

Appreciatively, and armed to the teeth,
"Daryl"