Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Comic Relief

My 12-year old nephew is away at summer camp. I get to send him e-mails while he is there, and it is important for him that I do, however there is only so much I can really say to a 12-year old kid in a one-way communication. So I had this idea, that he might like it if I sent him some jokes. The problem I have run into is that I don't know any appropriate jokes, such jokes being clean, PC and suitable for children. I am aware that the kids tell inappropriate jokes to each other, but I am Auntie Max and I must set an example. Not only that, but the e-mails go through the camp administration so I wouldn't get away with it.

Fellow bloggers, would you please donate some jokes to my cause? An added benefit is that they might lighten all of our moods a little bit.

Thanks.

25 comments:

Stairs said...

"The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp featuring a picture of George W. Bush to honor his first-term achievements.

In daily use, it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following observations:

i) The stamp is in perfect order.
ii) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
iii) People are spitting on the wrong side."

Hmm, perhaps not so good for a 12 year old, unless they're already politically minded and not overly keen on that simpering baboon of a leader.

Devastatin' Dave said...

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?


A: Not being retarded.

Max said...

Stairs, not sure if the kids will appreciate it but it's good.

DD, that cannot be the only joke you know, and you know very well that it is not pc. You just can't resist telling it every chance you get, can you?

Skeeter said...

Two turtles decide to take a picnic in the woods.
It takes them a week, but they pack up their picnic basket and start off for the woods...

It takes them a whole year to get to the woods and their picnic spot.

As they started to unpack one turtle says to the other
"Oh No! we forgot the napkins"
"Go back and get them"

The other turtle says
"Oh, No you don't, if I go back, you'll eat all the food!"

The first turtle says "No I won't, I swear to God, I won't eat anything till you get back"

So the turtle waits and waits and waits....2 Years go by...
Finally the first turtle is just starving to death and he decides to eat a sandwich.

Just as he is about to take a bite, the second turtle jumps out from behind a tree and yells

"AHA, AHA..I knew it, I knew you were gonna eat all the food....(crossing his arms) I'm Not Going Anywhere!!"

Anonymous said...

Why don't aardvarks get sick?

Because they have antibodies in them!

Devastatin' Dave said...

MM,

Really, it's the ONLY joke anyone needs to know. :-)

Marmoo said...

Q: How do you make a hanky dance? (can also substitute Kleenex for hanky)
A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros with an elephant?
A: Elephino (as in "'ell if I know...")

Q: What do you get when you cross a potato and a penis?
A: A dictator (dick-tater - teeheehee)

Max said...

Skeeter, Anon and Marmoo - thanks very much.

DD, I do love that joke and I will tell it to my nephew when I see him, but I cannot send it to him at summer camp.

Monkey said...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was stapled to a punker!

Why did the cactus cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken!

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!

Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice!

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot!

kd said...

ok...thought of one.

momma, daddy and baby carrot when out for an evening jog. momma and daddy were up ahead of baby carrot, and so crossed the street before baby did. so...
baby got hit by a car when crossing the street. he didn't look both ways.

in the hospital, anxiously awaiting news, momma and daddy carrot are almost hysterical. the doctor finally comes out of the emergency surgery and says, "there's good news and bad news. he'll live, but he'll be a vegetable all his life."

Max said...

Well done, Prague contingent.

Banditos in one hour.

Stairs said...

Oh dear, I just can't remember any acceptable jokes... I heard the following when I was about 8 and thought it was hilarious (if not very PC):

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

I think I'd make a nightmare of a Godfather.

Max said...

Stairs, I am obviously not very pc either - that cracked me up.

And I think you would make a great Godfather.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Max said...

For the sake of transparency - the deleted message was blog spam.

Tits Malone said...

I found some clean jokes - obviously not mine but...I think they are cute and I hope they help.

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke
when he's a baby!

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What is a myth?
A female moth!

Max said...

Thanks, TM! I like the way all of your answers have exclamation points! I think that's very cute! Weird Canadian!

Tits Malone said...

I'm not weird - just enthusiastic! I can't believe that I found jokes that are cute without any of my favourite vocab in them. hahaha

By the way our favourite crazy Canadian "Chatsy" is coming to visit this weekend from Montreal - between the two of us Toronto might actually be exciting - or a drunken brawl!

Kitty Killer said...

Two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says, "Oooh! It's hot in here."

The other one turns and yells, "Ah! A talking sausage!!"

kd said...

mm...that's how one answers one-liner jokes. you're the weird here.

Chatsy Malone said...

TM: hahahaha! I can't wait!

HEre are some clean kid jo\kes I found kind of cute.

Knock KNock
Who is there?
Orange
Orange who
Orange you glad I came over?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Darren!
Darren who?
Darren young man on the flying machine!

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing outside!

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

Where did all the cuts and blood come from?
The school went on a trip!

What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
The food!

beamis said...

Q: Ever heard of the illness called Chirpys?

A: It's a canarial disease and is untweetable.

How about a round of Barnicle Bill the Sailor?

Or maybe:

"Let me tell you a story 'bout man named Jed,

He took Ellie May and a put her in the bed,

Pulled down his zipper
and out came a worm of bubbling sperm." (A summer camp favorite circa 1973)

Max said...

Thank you all so much for your contributions. I have just sent a collection of jokes to my nephew at summer camp. I think he'll like the jokes, or he will just continue to think that Auntie Max is not quite right in the head.

If you think of any more, I'll be sending another e-mail next week.

Thanks again.

Love
Max

Sinister Steve said...

What do you do with an elephant that has three balls?


You walk him and pitch to the rhino

Skeeter said...

Got this from a former work-friend:

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR, AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY,"ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED , "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50
DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR, AND MORRIS SAID" ESTHER I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVER HEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID," FOLKS I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS".

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD. WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."