Sunday, August 07, 2005

Nobody Walks in LA

People think no one walks in LA and therefore everyone doubts me when I tell them that my parents live in a walky neighbourhood and walk all over the place. It is especially convenient to walk somewhere for dinner because that way everyone can drink.

I went for a walk with my parents today. It is their normal Sunday thing to walk down to the local farmers' market after breakfast. As we were strolling down our street I saw 2 Hummers go by within 5 minutes of each other. I commented on it and my dad said, "Welcome to Brentwood." I had thought Hummers were for men with small dicks, but both of these were being driven by women.

I had taken one of my mom's sunhats, absolutely necessary here as the sun is much stronger than I am used to. By the time we got down to the market, my head was hurting because the hat was a bit small. Same conversation every time:
Max - My head hurts, this hat is too small.
Mom - That is because you have a big head.
Max - I need it to hold my big brain.
Mom - And your big ego.

It is nice to be back with my mom. We'll be going shopping for a new hat tomorrow.

I argued politics with my parents over breakfast; I think I had held out pretty well considering I had already been here for over 12 hours.

Walking back up our street from the farmers' market, I noticed that at least for a while every 2nd car was an SUV. It makes me sad that people really just don't think. Gas is about to go above ₤1 per litre in the UK; that is roughly $8 a gallon. And people continue to kill and be killed in Iraq.

I started reading the latest
Harry Potter on the plane from London yesterday. I am over 400 pages into it and will finish by tomorrow. It is as engaging as the earlier books but not nearly as interesting, and I think I am bored with Harry Potter, the same way I could only watch 18 hours of 24.

I told my parents last night that I might quit my job to move to a village in the south of France with Monkey so that I can write. My dad ignored me (there was baseball on the tv) and my mom said that she was sure that I had a novel in me because I had led a very interesting life thus far. I was primed for a fight, but I realised that I cannot surprise them anymore and they will no longer object to anything I decide to do.

I don't like LA but I don't hate it. I would never live here again, it's too weird. Prague is so much nicer.


Anonymous said...

You can tell alot about a man by the kind of car he drives. There are alot of small dicked angry men in North America.

SUV = Sports utility vehicle.
I don't see this asshole with the shiny BMW or Porche SUV riding through mud in the mountains to his cottage, like you see in the TV ads. Instead they block the side of the road which is already blocked with 10 feet of snow.

beamis said...

I drive a Chevy Cavalier what does that make me?

Most people would be surprised to learn that El Lay has a wide variety of walky sections: Venice, the Fairfax district, the west side of Santa Monica, Brentwood around Sunset & Bundy, parts of downtown Pasadena and lots of old Hollywood and Silver Lake.

Are you keeping the creepy lumpy flesh parts you possess covered in the blazing August sun of Gomorrah?

Anonymous A-Hole said...

I drive a Subaru. Does that make me a lesbian?

I asked the Subaru dealer, when I bought the car, "does this come with a John Kerry sticker?"

I don't now own an SUV, but have in the past. It's easy to blame my SUV ownership on weather conditions but, really, it comes back to laziness. If I have 4x4, and snow-rated tires, I can get away with never having to put chains on. I hate chains, so I love 4x4. And, really, when you hit deer, it's kind of nice to be sitting up a little higher.

I'm eternally torn between the allure of performance and "utility." I've had SUV's, I've had 4x4 "sportswagons," I've owned trucks, sportscars, pretty much all types of cars. I can't ever recall, though, taking my dick into consideration while making any of my purchases.

"Sir, this here is a fine automobile."

"Well, let me take a moment and consult my cock..."

I would venture to guess that more people drive certain vehicles due to marketing considerations than to penile ones.

Are the female Hummer drivers to which Max refers to be presumed to have especially large clitorises (strange plural word)?

I've never been especially convinced that people are choosing cars based on penises.

Subconscious or not, it seems like so much psycho-cliche to me.

Anonymous A-Hole said...


I've got three DUI's, no license, and no insurance. So I walk to work, from Riverside to downtown L.A., everyday.

Yeah, dude, and then I buy me some metal whores and we do coke out in my lowered mini. Those chicks dig my womb broom.

Stairs said...

I really empathise about LA; my sister lives out there and I certainly enjoy visiting because it's very different, a little backwards in a nice way, and both parts she's lived in (Pasadena for about five years - gorgeous - and now Hollywood proper - but less scenic) have been walkable, but much of the city is a filthy dive. I'd like Davide and I to spend a year or two in California, and I think that if we ended up in LA, it really wouldn't last much longer than that, but it's not a bad base for travel both north and south.

It sounds like things at home are fairly temperate, which is good; I hope the rest of your stay is as pleasant. And that you find a bigger hat for your poor squished brain.

Monkey's Max said...

I was only talking about Hummers. I saw an ad in the paper for them this morning - very surprising how cheap they are here. Anyway, I have absolutely nothing more to say on the subjects of car and cock.

Asshole, shut up.

Beamis, don't worry, I am covering up well and I intend to be almost as pale when I leave LA as I was when I arrived here.

Anonymous A-Hole said...

I can't have any fun.

beamis said...

I'd have to agree with Stairs that most of LA is a filthy dive, but a place that is endlessly fascinating while being extremely boring at the same time. The natural setting is exquisite and it is located above a very geologically active area. It and SF sit astride the most active tectonic belt in North America outside of Alaska. A whole lotta shakin' goin' on.

To live west of the San Gabriel Mountains is to reside on the Pacific plate side of the San Andreas Fault. LA, San Diego, Santa Barbara, Tijuana, Ensenada, Big Sur, Cabo San Lucas, Monterey, La Paz, Salinas and San Luis Obispo are all cities of the Pacific plate. They are not a part of North America.

What should we call this land area of risen Pacific plate?