Travels with Max

TSA

TSA personnel have no manners and are disrespectful of people and property. I had just checked in and had been told to take my suitcase to be x-rayed. I probably wasn’t paying attention and I went the wrong way so I stopped to ask the first TSA guy I saw where I was supposed to go. I asked very politely, but instead of just giving me a straight answer, the little fucker decided to make fun of me for not knowing which way the x-ray was. I remained polite, said thank you, and went to the x-ray place. I was very polite there too, and I waited in case the x-ray robots wanted me to unlock my suitcase. I watched a TSA moron there put my suitcase on the conveyor belt without putting the handle down all the way. I politely requested him to fix that oversight and to zip the cover closed, which he did.

Then I went upstairs to go through security. There was a little man there directing traffic. In the midst of all of the people, he pulled a brush out of his pocket and brushed his greasy hair. Yuck. A minute later, he addressed me, saying “Come this way”, but without saying “please” and with touching my arm and just being generally creepy.

Murphy, can you do something about this manners problem, please? Thank you.

On the first flight

On my flight from LA to Chicago, one of the announcements was that passengers were only to use the lavatories in the cabin of the plane in which they were seated, “due to security regulations”. About halfway through the flight I got up to use the loo. I walked to the back of the plane but there was a ridiculously long queue so I walked into business class and used the toilet there. I was the only one to do so the entire flight, except for one kid who was about 20. He walked towards the front of economy class to ask his parents, who were sitting in the row in front of me, if he could use the toilet at the front of the plane. His parents told him “no”, that he had to use the toilets in the back. As he turned to walk to the back of the plane, I tapped him on the arm.
“I used the toilet in the front.”
“Did you?”
“I did.”
So he went up there too.

At O’Hare

I decided to forgo dinner so I headed straight for the bar. I ordered Skyy over ice, and the barman, bless him, asked for my ID. I decided to feel very happy and complimented, while ignoring the sign behind the bar which said “To Ensure Responsible Alcohol Service We ID 100%”.

The Trans-Atlantic Flight

2 vodkas in the airport + 1 Xanax upon boarding the plane = sleeping all the way to London. Hooray!