Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hen Saturday Night

Dinner at Mozaika. The conversation over aperitifs was mostly about sex and then it went downhill from there. By the end of the meal, we were playing “shag, marry or push off a cliff.”

Nina had made up a task list for the bride-to-be. Abby accomplished her first task while we were still at the restaurant. (1) a kiss from a barman. Juicy went to speak to the barman: “You. Table.” I explained to him what Abby was after and he obliged.

We moved on to an area of the Old Town which has at least two cocktail bars on every block. Our first stop was Bar Zero but it was too packed so we went to Parker’s but it was too empty so we went to Ocean Drive and it was just right. There Abby very quickly accomplished her next two tasks. (2) a man’s phone number and (3) a cigarette.

I agreed to help Abby with the next tasks. We approached 4 fairly handsome English blokes. (4) a photograph of a hairy chest. After Abby took the photograph the lads asked what else was on the list. (5) a fireman’s lift. The one with the slightly hairy chest picked Abby up and threw her over his shoulder.

(6) a photograph of a lipstick kiss on a bald man’s head. We called the man over to our table. I handed Abby my dark lipstick. The man was a little bit suspicious and a little bit rude but he let Abby kiss his head and we got the photograph.

Abby walked over to the bar on her own for the next task: (7) a drink from a gentleman. She started talking to two Taiwanese men. They bought her a piña colada and Abby confounded them with her knowledge of Taiwanese politics.

We moved on to Alcohol Bar. I hate sweet and sticky drinks but I had one because it was called Ještěrka Max (Lizard Max). I tied the cherry stem into a knot with my tongue.

Juicy took my notebook and wrote me a note:

Juicy would like to thank Max for the moment in her blog. What a lovely weekend. Sadly all men in Prague seem to be gay. There goes my tour of the EU nations. Last week was Switzerland, the week before was Belfast. Now Gayville. How disappointing. Am very up for it. Max has a broken showerhead off the wall – where is my potential husband loves…disappointing. Max is always fulfilled. As sister of the hen the choice should be mine. The music is Enrique, Kylie and the rest, the drink is strong and the men are invisible. Sad and inexplainable. Bless George Clooney in Ocean’s 11. All my love to Auntie Max. Juicy xx

Then we went to Parker’s. Flaming B-52s. (8) an item of clothing. Abby got two different men to take off their shirts so she could put them on. (9) a raunchy photo. Abby sat on the knee of one of the topless men for the photo. (10) a condom. Abby asked but they did not have. We moved on to Bombay Bar.

When it was very nearly 4.30 a.m. we left to go home. Jono and I were walking a little bit ahead, and next thing we knew, we heard some shouting and Juicy appeared to be about to get into a fight. Abby had gone up to a random African man in the street and asked, “Do you have a condom?” I don’t think the poor man was really used to drunk Irish girls and he jumped to the conclusion that she was a whore. He said he did not have a condom and he put his hand in the back of her jeans. Abby pushed him away calmly and everything was fine.

Then Abby told Juicy, but just to make conversation. “That guy just tried to put his hands down my trousers.” Juicy went mental. Irish, ginger, drunk and over-protective of her elder sister. Jono and I were called upon to defuse the situation. Jono took the harder job: Juicy. I had a little chat with our African friend and eventually he calmed down and went away. I went to help Jono with Juicy because she is a bloody handful. And then suddenly the African came back for more. I calmly but firmly explained to him why he had to go away again and he finally did.

I called a cab so the 4 grown-up ladies could get home quickly; Jono and Juicy walked.


Anonymous said...


Hen parties are crazy! I had never been to one or seen one in action until I went to Dublin...wow! blowjobs in the toilets, the drinking,the swearing and dressing like a high class hooker - and that was just me! I suppose I just got swept up in the whole thing.

I am curious who you decided to "throw off the cliff" and who you decided to "shag"...were the boys(or girls) people you knew or public figures?

Monkey's Max said...

TM, public figures. We started with politicians. First British - Blair, Howard and Kennedy. I think I shagged Blair, married Kennedy and threw Howard off a cliff. Then again, maybe I threw Blair off a cliff. Candy said she would marry Howard because he had the most money. Then Irish - Gerry Adams, Ian Paisley and Bertie Ahern. I don't remember if I played that round (3 of the girls are originally from Belfast).

Then we played American - Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. That was a really tough one. I threw Cheney off a cliff and then threw myself off afterwards so I wouldn't have to marry or shag either of the others. Then I got in trouble because that's against the rules.

Our hen party was relatively tame because, with the exception of Juicy, we are all mature grown-ups. Even Jono behaved himself. I am sure I have told you that he reminds me of you; I tell him the same all the time.

Anonymous said...


I want to play too!!Hmmmmm.....Marry Gerry Adams (convince him the beard has to go), throw Ian Paisley off a cliff and fuck Bertie Ahern (once and only once) - that was easy...

The American one is much more difficult because they all look like castrated bastards to begin with - can you imagine the pinched face of Donald Rumsfeld when he is about to cum? eeeek! I say, throw them all off the cliff and buy a vibrator and rechargable batteries

Riggs is Crazy said...

You needed my classic rendition of You've Lost That Loving Feeling to a bachelorette party at the Palms in Vegas. I brought down the house.

Monkey's Max said...

Riggs, next time I'll know and you'll be invited. But you still don't have a passport, do you?

Riggs is Crazy said...

I don't, but with my wit and charm, I should be fine.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I would want to marry a politician but I'd like to fuck Andre Boisclair, the premier of Bloc Quebecois. Not only is he hot, but I bet he likes to party considering he admitted to snorting something up his nose. Maybe I'll take him to Prague and introduce him to Czech beer.

Hen nights rock and it's been while. Maybe it was a tame night but it was still crazy in my book. In canada so far all I have seen is a disgustingly drunk bride to be with bad make up, a tshirt with a bad photos of her fiance carrying a bucket and vail while walking down the streets on montreal asking for change. Lame!

Max, should I ever have a hen's night you will be hired as the queen organizer.

Monkey's Max said...

Chatsy, you didn't do so bad yourself organising the stripper for Stephy's hen night. Although it was me who arranged for the pornographic cake and the volunteer to come in the back room of the pub so we could get her future mother-in-law to drink body shots. It was a good night.

Riggs, I am sure that your wit and charm would get you a lot of places, but not back into the US.

Anonymous said...

I am no more of a "bloody handful" than Abby or Jono when they are in fine form.....and I have been known to be a mature grown up in the right company....Jono just winds me up, on purpose. Like a random big gay brother. I take (slight) offence!x

Monkey's Max said...

Juicy, I have to admit that you are right. I have had to keep your sister out of fights too and, yes, Jono can be difficult at times. And they both wind you up and they do it on purpose and it's funny because it works. But you can't blame Jono for your almost physical fight on Saturday night.

And I know you are not really offended because I know you love the attention.

Anonymous said...

No one likes negative attention!

Monkey's Max said...

Juicy, darling, you are never boring - that is the important thing.

Auntie Max