Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Sex and the Middle-Aged Woman

Fact: Max will turn 40 in December.

I have not been worried about turning 40: I don’t look my age, I am told I don’t act my age, and if I drop dead tomorrow, so be it. I do have a fear of one day waking up, looking in the mirror and realising it has all caught up to me and I suddenly look 110, but that shouldn’t happen for a while yet.

I don’t actually know what “acting my age” means, but I think it has something to do with getting a mortgage, being scared about losing my job and knitting in front of the tv.

When I was in the US, I kept reminding my mom that I was about to turn 40, as in “Stop telling me what to do, I’m 40!!” It was fun because it annoyed her no end – I guess it made her feel old.

Today I have even more reason to be nonchalant about turning 40 this year. A survey in the UK yielded the following results:

77% of women said that they enjoyed sex more in their 40s than they had in their 20s.

69% of women over 40 said they felt more adventurous in bed than ever before.

66% felt more confident about their bodies.

70% said they felt more sexually confident.

45% over 40 wanted more sex than ever before.

Source: Health Plus Magazine

58 comments:

Sinister Steve said...

Ive heard elderly women such as yourself are into really young guys. Is that true? Do all these MILF's I see running around want me as much as I want them?

Tits Malone said...

SS,

The answer is yes....

Max said...

What's a MILF?

Sinister Steve said...

Mother I'd like to F#ck

Max said...

Okay, I get it, "yummy mummy", as they say in limey land.

I think it depends what the particular "elderly woman" (thanks, SS) is after on any given day. Some think that whatever a youngster is lacking in talent he can make up for with enthusiasm, but I don't think that is always the case.

3rd dude...waiting his turn said...

What % take it from two dudes in the can?

Tits Malone said...

3rd dude..

a high percentage take it from and give it to whomever they wish, as often and as many ways as they wish...

Max said...

3rd dude

First, props to TM for her answer. I would only add that although I do not know the percentage, I would venture a guess that it is higher than you might think.

Then again, I live in Bohemia.

Sinister Steve said...

"a high percentage take it from and give it to whomever the wish

as often and as many ways as they wish

but when they hit the big 40 their snatch will smell like fish"

Tits Malone said...

MM,

Would you like to address the puerile comment regarding fish - or should I?

sinister steve said...

Tits,

You're only qualified to talk about tits. Thats it.

Tits Malone said...

SS,

I would like to think that you are taking the piss again. But I think we have established that you don’t know what that means.

Do you really want to compare qualifications? I can assure you, I am now and will always be more infinitely qualified than you can ever dream of being…

One day when you are all grown up and read (and finished) a book with no pictures in it … then we can talk about the birds and bees

Riggs is Crazy said...

Tits, you've obviously never met SS. He makes Wilt Chamberlin look like AC Green. (Sports references, look them up)

Tits Malone said...

Riggs,

Just because you can drill holes does not make you an engineer. (civil engineering not choo-choo trains - look it up)

AG said...

You are all extremely amusing * sic * and since I'm the only person on line that can comment with any real knowledge on this particular subject, having just spent the last 20 years enjoying life beginning at 40 - yes, Max, the statistics are all right on.

Too bad Frank had to die when he did - and that Prague is full of drunks who can no longer fill the pencil with lead. Looking for a younger man now.

Sinister Steve said...

Nothing worse than someone throwing around regional jargon and then calling people "unqualified" if they don't understand it.

"Do you really want to compare qualifications"?

The topic is pussy that smells like fish. Are you a PHD in fishy pussy? Have stuck your nose up a rotten snatch only to find it taste like the tuna samich you had at lunch time?

I agree you are more qualified.

Tits Malone said...

SS,

Wow...you really class up the place using the word "snatch". Does using that word make you feel all grown up and more of a man?

Better yet, by demeaning women - does that make you more sexually confident?

Speaking of regional jargon... is samich a new American spelling of sandwich?

Devastatin' Dave said...

Tits,

Snatch is a term of love and endearment. Plus, I think MM uses the word "twat" quite a bit.

Devastatin' Dave said...

Tits,

Oh, one more thing. Aren't you demeaning women by using the moniker "tits?" I think you should use something more classy like "fun bags" or "dirty pillows." Hmmm...Dirty Pillows Malone...has a ring to it.

Max said...

WTF?!! I leave for a couple of hours to go and drink green tea (Max's 1-evening detox) and the level here sinks to previously unexplored depths.

Can't you lot have a civilised discussion?!!

SS, the topic is not, nor will it ever be, pussy that smells like fish. Behave yourself.

TM, you too. (I don't want SS to feel like he is being picked on.)

Sinister Steve said...

I like dairy pillows or fun bags

Max said...

DD, I think that's sweet that you have shown up to look out for your little brother.

TM could eat him for breakfast, so to speak.

Sinister Steve said...

Blowse clowns

Max said...

From a woman's perspective, DD and SS, "tits" sounds a lot better than anything like "bags" or "pillows".

Tits Malone said...

DD,

Really? Snatch?? I have never, ever heard snatch used in an endearing way...c*unt, yes but snatch never...you learn something everyday...

Back to MM's statement...I am sure MM will be the tart I know and love no matter what age she happens to be...

Sinister Steve said...

Cunt is about the worst thing you can call a girl. So I've heard anyway.

Devastatin' Dave said...

MM,

SS can take care of himself. I'm chiming in to have fun and cause trouble.

Max said...

TM, you're a cunt. See, SS, you are wrong.

DD, I know you're here to cause trouble. And always welcome to do it.

Devastatin' Dave said...

SS,

I thought "gaping hatchet wound" was the worst thing you could call a gal?

Tits Malone said...

DD,

If I had to choose...maybe "the puppies with pink noses" is pretty cute..

MM,

I apologise for being vulgar...

SS,

Cunt only has the emotional impact you mention in certain countries - and in certain company

Tits Malone said...

MM,

I am proud to be one sweetie...afterall, where would I be without one?

Max said...

I love saying "cunt" just because it offends so many people. I draw the line at saying it in front of my mom though.

Sinister Steve said...

DD,

I called an ex-girlfriend "my little terlet cleaner" one time and that didnt go over too well.

Max said...

SS, you are a charming one.

Max said...

TM, only apologise for being vulgar if you are sincerely sorry. You have never apologised for it before, so why now?

Funbag Snatchdiver aka Sinister Steve said...

Vulgarity gets the ratings baby!!!!

Max said...

Cunt’s a lovely word
vulgarity is cooler
when it’s in haiku

Tits Malone said...

MM,

You are right but I want to a nice cunt as opposed to a cunty-cunt..hahaha

Can't I be a nice cunt??? I think I have the right stuff...afterall, I am qualified...hahahaha

Willie Ames said...

Can we talk about Back Door Banging? Specifically, do chicks dig it or just take it in the can for their man - so to speak.

Skeeter said...

Here's to all that gorgeous snatch in FLA! (Slapshot)

Maynard James Keenan said...

It's 4° warmer in the can, than the twat.

Naked Boy said...

I was told that 40 is the new 20, but I think 40 is the new 30.

Max said...

Naked Boy, nice photo. And thanks for getting us back on topic.

I don't know if 40 is the new 20 or the new 30, but more and more I feel as if I am about to be admitted into a very cool grown-ups' club. It's kind of like when I turned 21 and no longer had to rely on a fake id or my wits to get a drink.

Max said...

TM, I am not going to make any comments about your cunt -- people would jump to conclusions.

Tits Malone said...

MM,

You tease...

I Heart Tom Hanks said...

Come on! Answer the ass-banging question!! How many of the heteros on this blog have either given or taken it in the can?

Max said...

Tom Hanks, you have changed your question.

When you were Willie Ames, you wanted to know if chicks dig Back Door Banging (your words), but now you are only asking if "the heteros on this blog" have tried it.

What do you really want to know? Perhaps you could set a shining example for us by answering your own question first.

Sinister Steve said...

Slang Terms for ass

Anus A-E
Asshole/Arsehole/A-hole
Ass pipe
All Weather
Back door
Back passage
Balloon knot
Barking Spider
Brown eye
Brown starfish
Brownflower
Bunghole
Buttery cornhole
Butthole
Cadbury Road/Hershey Highway
Chocolate channel
Chocolate chimney
Chocolate Donut
Chocolate factory
Chocolate starfish
Chocolate lovers hole to happiness
Chocolate whizwag
Cinnamon Ring
Cock dock
Cockhole
Cornhole
Corona
Cu (Portuguese)
Culo (Spanish)
Cumhole
Dildo tunnel, the
Dirt box
Dirt track, the
Doop Chute
Dookie Tube
Exit
Goatse

[edit]Anus F-S

Fart vent
Fisting fancy
Fudge Factory
Gaand (Hindi)
Hershey Highway
Hole
Junk popsicle chute
Jamhole
Kaviarstjerne (Norwegian)
Ketsu no ana (Japanese)
Ka-chng-kang (Chinese Hokkien dialect)
Komon (Japanese)
Leather Cheerio
Left hole
Love chute
Love tube
Mangina (rhymes with "China")
Mojino (Spanish)
Mud hole
Myrkhålet (a Norwegian word invented by Jon Lotvik Herdstad)
Ojete (Spanish)
Orto (Spanish)
Oxo Tower
Peida (Portuguese)
Poo pipe
Pooh Tube
Poop chute
Pooper
Pooper Pool
Puckered Starfish
Rass (Norwegian)
Ringpiece
Ronson Lighter
Rusty Brown's ring donut
Rusty bullet-wound
Rusty sheriff's badge
Rævhol (Norwegian)
Spam Fritter
Shit chute
Shit cutter
Shit hole
Shit pipe
Shitter
Shit vent
Stink star

[edit]Anus T-Z

Tailhole
Third Entry
Third Eye
Turd Cutter
Turd Squirter
Whale's Eye
Where The Sun Don't Shine
Toot Passage
Wrong hole
Wiener Entrance

Captain Dookie Pipe said...

Not a chick...can't answer the first part...as to the second...OH YEAH!!!!

You forgot 'Thumb Warmer' said...

And Bravo SS...BRAVO!!!!

Max said...

Captain, it looks like this is a poor place for your survey as only 3 women have shown up on the comments.

I am guessing that AG is so disgusted that she may never come back, or at least she'll never read down this far.

That just leaves me and TM. I think we'll both keep you guessing.

Sinister Steve said...

Well don't I feel like a rusty sherrif's badge

Tits Malone said...

MM,

I applaud you sweetie! Not that I would generally back down from such a moronic question...Having to ask if a sexual partner has enjoyed anything is a bad sign...but having to survey on a blogg now that is just crazy!

Max said...

SS, good research. You're not a rusty sheriff's badge, doll, you're just not a woman. That's all right.

sinister steve said...

I do what i can with my limited qualifications

chatsy malone said...

Becuase of Max and fellow gang member Tits Malone, I have no fear of pushing or turning 40. I am 31, and have been referred to as Samantha Jones, a cougar (don't ask)just because I enjoy flirting and looking at young fresh meat from McGill University. Older men were fun when I was 25 but now they are just old man. And women of any age enjoy sex, you just gotta find one that knows what she is doing and make sure you make her feel comfortable in whatever position you put yourself in.

Sinister Steve said...

You should be very afraid. Max is gonna be shopping for depends in about a decade. Old, Old, Old.

Max said...

SS, you make me laugh till the wee runs down my leg.